Hearts Changed, Lives Rearranged

Can you name the day you found out you were pregnant? I don't mean when you were due or your child's birthday, I mean the day you discovered for the first time you would be a mom. I can't tell you the day(unless I try to do the math) that I found out with Brooke, Eli, or Peyton. I can tell you what was going on in my life around that time, the month, and I can guess the day but I don't have the fond, "DATE" in my mind. The day I remember very clearly is January 15, 2005. After getting a positive pregnancy test the night before I made an appointment with my Primary Physician for a blood test. It was MLK day and I was sure the office would be closed, but to my suprise, they were open and worked me in that same day. I've often wondered why this date remains so vivid and why I don't remember the rest of kids dates. I think everything about my first pregnancy was very vivid for many reasons. First it was my first. The first time I thought I was becoming a mom. Second, I feel God knew what he had planned for us. He knew that even before I knew I was pregnant that Kaylee's neural tube did not close. He knew that her brain would not form, He knew long before we did that we would choose to place her into his hands long before we were ready to say goodbye. He gave me a mindset so that I would remember everything about those short 3 months. I knew that the sound of loud music(ACDC yeah I know not the best choice) drove her to moving ALOT. You may be thinking at only 12 weeks of your first pregnancy that there is no way that she was moving like that, but I knew. I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I was scared from the begining, but oblivious to accept the reality until it was staring me in the face. After I went to the Ob and all seemed to be normal, I still was unsure. I was excited for what was going on, but I think looking back, it was a show for everyone to see. I didn't see that glow that pregnant women get. I just was very unsure about the entire expeirence but I knew it was vital to remember every aspect. Once we saw the Dr again(a specialist this time) and was told our child had anencephaly, we were then faced with a nightmare choice to continue our pregnancy, experience child birth,and bury our first born or terminate the pregnancy. In a sense I felt this was the easy way out and maybe it was. I prayed for God to just let me miscarry. I did not want to make this choice. I was completly against abortion in any way form or fashion so to say. I learn a valuable lesson in those coming weeks. Never say never! March 16th.... The day our daughters life ended... She wasn't due until September 21st. At almost 14 weeks, I chose to end her life. I took her off life support, that life support was me. You see I was the only thing keeping her alive. In my heart, I felt it was the right thing to do at the time in my life. I don't regret what I did, because I don't believe in regrets. I believe we go through our experiences to learn. I believe God gives us each phase in our life to be used as a testimony for Him. My walk with God at that time in my life was well to be honest almost nonexistint. I prayed everyday and we tried to find a church, but were were newely married(two years felt new) and enjoyed going out and doing things. We enjoyed drinking and parting and living for ourselves and each other. That all changed once we found out we were expecting. No longer going out, looking to live for someone else. Still not living for the One we were supposed to live for. Once she was gone, I tried very hard to be "good", but as depression snuck in I went back to drinking. Anything I could do to forget about loosing her. I remember driving down I10 and thinking If I drove off the road, who would miss me, how long would it take them to find me. Had it not been for God and my belief that suicide was the one unforgivable sin I know I would not be here today. It didn't last long because I knew if I wanted to be a mom and if I wanted to try again that drinking was a big No-No. I blamed myself for Kaylee's condition because we went out and a "had a good time" for New Years. I felt like had I not been drinking that night that she might have had a chance to live. In recent years, I felt that if I had only conitunued the pregnancy and prayed hard enough God could had preformed a miracle and she would be here with us today. Today I stand here and claim he has performed 5 miracles. Myself, My Husband, Brooke, Eli, and Peyton. My miracles. I took Kaylee's loss straight to the internet. I searched out to find others that had gone through this. I found out I wasn't alone. I learned so much from these ladies and was able to support and console those that were going through it. Sometimes we need someone to just say it's okay. My family supported us 100% but noone understood. I made wonderful friends, have grown in my walk with Christ, and as I continue to grow I understand that nothing is beyond God's forgiving grace. I embrace life and my family. I love and fear God for who he is. I thank God for giving me all of my phase. Good and Bad. I've learned that a lesson can be learned from each and someone can be ministered to. I've been saved since I was 14, God never promised all roses, but he does promise that he will never leave us nor forake us. 11 years later as I embrace turning 30 in 6 months. I love life unconditionally and know that God walks me every day. I know that God performs miracles and I know that he will continue to perform them every day, but unless we open our eyes we will never see them. Are your eyes open? Thank you for letting me say whats on my heart and Thank you for following our journey of life.

The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, But it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of the name. It soothes my broken heart, and sings to my soul.
~~Author Unknown~~