Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The brutually honest me.

The real me. I tried really hard to change who I was, so much in fact that until recently I honestly wasn't sure who I even was. Through the midst of it all one thing was very apparent. I was different. I didn't see anyone else as different though so I didn't understand why everyone was treated differently. I didn't see color even though I grew up among others that did instead I made friends with others which pushed me further away and even more different. I didn't hold a grudge or harbor anger so I never understood why others did. I almost always "turned the other cheek" and just took the criticism from others and was walked on by those that caught onto this. I was hurt! Many times! I used to pray over an over to see why God made me this way. I used to ask God to change me so I could see inside others hearts, even though my true friends told me to not ever change. I learned to forgive early so I didn't understand unforgiveness I wanted to be able to understand and feel the pain that others felt. I thought the only way to understand someone's hate was to feel that hate. I thought the only way to fell someone's hurt of betrayal was to have the same unforgiveness in my heart. I tried to mean and hateful. I tried to hold grudges and even judge people. I was very unhappy but I thought it was something that I needed and in a way I did need it. It was then that I discovered that was NOT who I wanted to be. It was then that I realized that its not who God wanted me to be. Now please don't read this and think I am saying that I am perfect or tooting y own horn. I am not. In fact for a long time I hated the way I was. I hated being different. I just didn't understand. Why me? I look back and I think of the good and the bad that I have experienced and how each experience changed me. I used to think that each bad thing took away a piece of me but now I realize that instead it replaced pieces of me helping me be comfortable with who I am. The person I thought I was or thought I was supposed to be was replaced by a piece of who I am and who I am supposed to be. Who God wants me to be. I finally see that by being happy and grateful and different that its the best way to show others that you don't have to always be sad and disgusted by things that you don't have. That you can forgive and live your life. That when you put your faith and trust in God that you CAN be happy no matter where you are. That you are where He wants you to be. That those un-answered prayers where answered but you didn't like the answer. That we may not be who we think we should be but when we walk with God we will be who He wants us to be. We are to be different, not of the world and finally I am okay with that! You should be too. Am I perfect? Only to Him. AM I complete? Only when he is done with me. I have a long ways to go. I am a work in progress but only God will change me. Listen to God on when things need to change not your self or others. God knows you. He created you! He loves you!