Friday, October 19, 2012

A broken heart Prayer

God - I'm mad! You know that! I'm hurt, you know that too. My entire life I felt like every man placed in my life left me. MY dad and both grandpas didn't want anything to do with me as a child. I had three great uncles that took their place and did a really awesome job. I was 10 when one of my grandfathers passed away. I sat by his bed while he was sick and he never acted like he cared, but I was there, eager for his approval. Of course Dad was noowhere around while his father passed. Well atleast noone let us know if he was. Then one of those awesome uncles died when I was a teenager. It seems like that was around the time that I emotionally lost the other two. I guess I was "grown" and they must have felt like I didn't need them anymore. Maybe they didn't agree with who I was becoming. Maybe life just got in the way and we grew apart.I had an awesome "adoptive" Daddy but he was taken too. Atleast I had graduated school before he passed. Not long after I reunited with my father. It was a rocky road to say the least. He was sick and acted like he still didn't want anything to do with me He tried apoligizing but it was only words. A couple years later we tried it again. This time we finally made it work. I got married, had kids, and built a great friendship during those 7 years. We started getting close. We talked weekly, sometimes daily and visited as often as work schedules would allow. He got better and got sicker. We often spent more time visiting the hospital than we did at home with him. In fact, the pictures I have of him and Brooke when she was born are taken in the hospital. He wanted to be there when she was born but couldn't. He thought Eli was the most handsome little man when he saw him. I was pregnant with Peyton when he passed away. I wish he could have met her. If I beleived in reincarnation, I'd think that he came back as her. Everyone asked who she looks like because she doesn't really look like me or Tommy. She looks like Dad. She has this way she will wrinkle up her nose and eye brow that is so Lionel. I miss hearing him and Uncle Myrln tell their stories. Now a few years later PawPaw Ted is gone... Ted was like a dad to me after Tommy and I got together. He was always there. Yes we had our problems but he's move mountains to help us if he could and he loved our kids like noone else. I don't think there was a day that he/we didn't talk or see each other in the past 4 years. He was at every birth( except lil miss Peyton who was born in the wee wee early morning hours). He was at every birthday party, every school function. He did everything with the kids and they loved him for him for it! I loved the relationship they had because I never had that relationship with my grandfathers.His death was so sudden that it took as all by shock. It was such an eye opener of just how precious life is. He spoke with his daughter, wife, and various drs office just minutes before he passed. I just recently started seeing my grandpa again. I remember being a child and running up to the school janitor and hugging him. IT slipped one day that he was my grandfather and I was so eager for that bond that I tried everything to gain his attention... Noone else understood and I was okay with that. Once he quit the school and I graduated, we'd see each other around twon, go visit him, and slowly got somewhere. It wasn't until his 4th battle with cancer and my mom moved in with him that we started getting a lil closer. I'd go see Mom and we'd all sit around and talk, watch the kids play and just enjoy each others company. I knew he was sick, I knew he was loosing this battle so I tried to embrace those moments and forgive all the years that were lost. He enjoyed seeing the kids and I knew he needed that. Never would I imagine that we would loose these two so close together. A month and half is such a short time to deal with this. I was strong for the kids after PawPaw passed then I went and saw grandpa last weekend. I knew the minute that I saw him that that would be the last time I saw him. I saw defeat in his eyes. When I kissed his hand and he grabbed ahold I could see he didn't want to let go. He knew too. I came home, without the children knowing, and I had my meltdown. That was it, That was my family. The men in my family where gone... I have my brothers. Yes, I have uncles but I fear our relationships are not fixable. I would love nothing more to be able to 5 years old, pulling ponds, or hanging out on the racetrack but thats not how life works. I feel like people are put in my life for such short periods of time and then they are gone. Life has been nothing but change in the past 8 years. Some great, some not so great. I just feel like I am ready to be stable. I'm ready to commit to life! I know Life involves death. I have more family and friends in heaven than I do here in Earth. God, I need some people here. I know I've made my mistakes. I know I have mends to make but with death come emotions and I know in my heart that I can't take many deaths( physically or emotionall) without a support system. I submitted myself to you and I knew it would take commitment, I knew friends would be lost but can you please guild me where you want me so that we won't be doing this alone? It took me such a long time to trust you as My Heavenly Father. It took these men in my life to teach me to have a relationship with any man but its also because of these relationships that I had such a hard time trusting you as my Father. I KNOW you'll never leave me,so I know it's different but thats because I am an adult now. I am doing everything I can to trust and rely on You and believe that each of these men had their purpose my life and I had a purpose in their life. I'm really not mad anymore but I am very confused. I know you are not a God of confusion and I trust that you will clear my head. My head is so full of emotions now that I can't even pray without being interuppted so you get a Blog prayer. I also feel that I will read this back one day and will understand. Who knows maybe the kids will read it and realize its okay to be completly honest with you. Thank you for all that you do do for us. Thank you for Life. Thank you for our salvation. Thank you for your promises. Thank you for your word. Lord, I love you. I praise you and I accept all you have for me... Rain or Shine. Butterflies or locust. In Jesus Name Amen