Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Avoiding the white coats.
This is how I feel so often, like anyday someone in a white coat will show up at my door and take me away. Life is stressful, we all know that. What some don't realize is just how stressful it can be for some. A struggle I have battled as long as I could remember. A child that always cared way to much what people thought about me to a preteen with serious stomach problems caused by stress. "Nervous Stomach" that is what the doctor called it when I missed a week of school in the fith grade and was physically sick because I cheated on a test and didn't want to be caught. Then came middle school and I "survived" by being activly invisible. What does that mean exactly well basically I did everything there was to do without drawing any attention to myself. I tried cheerleading, band, chorus, eventually moved to highschool and found Drama and Color Gaurd. My same little group of friends, same teachers, same good grades, same invisible me. What noone knew was that being smart didn't come easily for me. I never slept and I spent all my alone time in my room doing homework. I'd actually lock myself into my room before a test until I knew that I knew that I knew, I'd not only pass but get a B or above. A C wa not acceptable in my eyes. When it got to be to much I'd bite the upper part of my thumb stopping just before it would bleed. I managed to date, have a social life, graduate with honours, and continue to college. I held down two jobs in college with a full time course load. Planned a wedding and finished with my AA degree and AAS degree. Noone knew that in between classes I would be in the bathroom or in my car with my heart pounding so hard I was struggling to breath. A handful of people have seen the severity of my "episodes". I'm pretty sure, it scared the hell out of them. How would you feel if you were to witness the "Got it togther gal" in a bathroom crying because it feels like the only way you can breath at all. Shaking to the point you can no longer stand. Crying more and pyhically not being able to stop. Breathing only in between tears and sobs, if even then. I eventually learned to hold a glass of water. Somehow the action of focusing on holding the glass of water and the cool water on my lips helped. The first time I experienced this was before I left high school and was told I had an "allergic reaction to a cough syrup". Hmmm.. Okay? It continued without the cough sryup. Afterwards, I could pick myself up to continue through the day and then would be so wiped out that I would sleep for days if I could. It wasn't always an option so I forced through in a happy zombie like state, never knowing if anyone noticed it or not. My friends know when I disapear to just give me time. It got really bad after I lost Kaylee. I kept moving on though. I was at my neices 5 birthday party the day after my surgery.You can read Hearts Changed Lives rearranged for that experience and the depression I suffured through then.... I think I am getting better then life slaps me on the back and puts me on the floor. Now its the small things that I bottle up and take it out on my mouth. My gums like hamburger and my teeth grinded down to the point of chipped and barely there. I eventually explode. Not by yelling or throwing things like when I was a child, but by crying, shaking, chest pounding, and feeling like I am not worthy or anything including life itself. I start getting headaches daily that turn to migraines and then my TMJ flairs up to the point I can barely talk or eat and I am in pain constantly, eating Motrin and Tylonal.I've taken all the meds then I think I'm okay and God's got this and life gets in the way and I don't take the time to go to the doctor to get meds, I blame something else, not having the money or being able to get a sitter. Life right! I am slowing learning that as a parent the BEST thing we can do is take care of ourselves. I do not want my children to remember me this way. Staying up until 3 and 4 am and staying in bed until 10am only getting up to turn on TV and get juice and cereal for everyone. My 6 year old has even started taking on that responsibilty coming in to wake me and tell me that she got the "babies" something for breakfast. How sweet and sad is that? I finally get up but I am not there. I try to be happy, but deep down I know that know. I can see it through their eyes that they want to make Mommy happy! Their smiles, their songs, their hugs I know they love me and for the most part only see the happy me. I've gotten really good at "hiding" my feelinsg but it has really put a hurting on me, my life and the life of our family. That is not faiar to anyone. SO I called, while in a "controlable" attack and had someone come get the kids, and made the doctors apt. I stand today and realize that I will NO LONGER let this control me. If it takes meds again I will go that route again. You name it I've taken it. Some good some made me feel even crazier than I already feel. I've done the "talking to people" now I am going to try writing and sharing. I feel my best when I am writing. i don't care that I am not good at it or that I have huge run on setentces, followed by sentenses that start and end with prepisitions and that my spelling or atrosious. None of that matters right now. What matters is that I am dealing and for others to know that you are not alone and I pleed with you if you are going through PLEASE do something about it! Also never assume that you know what is going on in someones life. That smile, that hello, or that wave could change their entire day. Don't simply walk through life and ignore everyone around you. Life is to short and to meaningful!