The Perfect Mother?!?!?

IT's been a while since I have felt like writing. In fact, its been a while since I have felt like doing anything. Today I came across this blog( I am working on posting a link give me some time please) and It SCREAMED at me. I read almost in tears thinking, FINALLY someone relates to me. Someone out there understands. I mean really understands! Then I came across this book (Desperate, Hope for the mom who needs to breath)literally within an hour of each and I wasn't even looking for parenting books. I just wanted a good read. You see lately that's how I have been "dealing" with life- by slipping away into someone else's reality to keep from facing my own. I'm still reading and in the very early pages of the book but again it screams at me and while I find comfort in knowing that again I am NOT alone, it makes me sad that so many of us moms feel like this. Its always a stress to be the perfect mom. To keep the house tidy, the kids and husband happy, everyone healthy and still find time for school, peace, socialization and everything else that life offers up. What happened to that beautiful vision we had when we first held our babies at the hospital. What happen to those promises we made ourselves? You know the ones I am talking about. Come on get real with me. Who out there said, I'll never yell at my kids. I'll never plop my kids in front of the TV or give them a video game unattended. You expect me to let them eat that junk at school? No I'll make every one of their lunches with love and cute cut out sandwiches all balanced with all 4 meal groups. Now years down the road we look back and don't even recognize the moms that we have become and these kids that are yelling at us simply cant be because of our lack of perfect parenting. It cant be. We did everything right so right in fact that we forgot why were doing it to begin with. I for one have just simply shut down. We forgot that God entrusted us with these lives because HE trusted us. Because He knows that we can do it. Because He has a plan for us. I lost site of that to the point that I cringe at the thought of waking up at the dawn of light when the kids do. I just want to crawl under the covers and not even deal anymore. The kids are spending more and more time away and I call myself trying to clean or find myself but truth of the matter is that I am so wore out that on those days they are away I do absolutely nothing.... and then feel the bounds of regret for it the day they come home. What happened? Where did I go wrong? Where did I miss the mark? We each are going to have our own stories to tell and each will be different. Mine starts with my thinking that I can do it all alone. I've never been popular, never had more than a handful of friends, and I like it like that. As I get older though I see that we are not made to be alone. Even with just our spouses. We need interaction. I haven't yet discovered how to go about doing that though. When I am around people my heart beats so fast that I literally have to focus on breathing to keep from hyperventilating. I do much better with words in writing. You ask me to speak in a group and its just to much for me to handle. Even one on one sometimes, I cant do it. SO I gave up and here I am. Even though now my kids are in school and I should have time to myself I feel just as lost today as I did 4 years ago when all of the kids were in diapers.... In fact some days it was better back then. You know when they didn't have as many opinions. I am going to try and keep this updated as I work REALLY hard on venturing out of this funk and through this journey and if nothing else just writing to make me feel better. Please feel free to share your own stories and words of wisdom. God Bless...

The brutually honest me.

The real me. I tried really hard to change who I was, so much in fact that until recently I honestly wasn't sure who I even was. Through the midst of it all one thing was very apparent. I was different. I didn't see anyone else as different though so I didn't understand why everyone was treated differently. I didn't see color even though I grew up among others that did instead I made friends with others which pushed me further away and even more different. I didn't hold a grudge or harbor anger so I never understood why others did. I almost always "turned the other cheek" and just took the criticism from others and was walked on by those that caught onto this. I was hurt! Many times! I used to pray over an over to see why God made me this way. I used to ask God to change me so I could see inside others hearts, even though my true friends told me to not ever change. I learned to forgive early so I didn't understand unforgiveness I wanted to be able to understand and feel the pain that others felt. I thought the only way to understand someone's hate was to feel that hate. I thought the only way to fell someone's hurt of betrayal was to have the same unforgiveness in my heart. I tried to mean and hateful. I tried to hold grudges and even judge people. I was very unhappy but I thought it was something that I needed and in a way I did need it. It was then that I discovered that was NOT who I wanted to be. It was then that I realized that its not who God wanted me to be. Now please don't read this and think I am saying that I am perfect or tooting y own horn. I am not. In fact for a long time I hated the way I was. I hated being different. I just didn't understand. Why me? I look back and I think of the good and the bad that I have experienced and how each experience changed me. I used to think that each bad thing took away a piece of me but now I realize that instead it replaced pieces of me helping me be comfortable with who I am. The person I thought I was or thought I was supposed to be was replaced by a piece of who I am and who I am supposed to be. Who God wants me to be. I finally see that by being happy and grateful and different that its the best way to show others that you don't have to always be sad and disgusted by things that you don't have. That you can forgive and live your life. That when you put your faith and trust in God that you CAN be happy no matter where you are. That you are where He wants you to be. That those un-answered prayers where answered but you didn't like the answer. That we may not be who we think we should be but when we walk with God we will be who He wants us to be. We are to be different, not of the world and finally I am okay with that! You should be too. Am I perfect? Only to Him. AM I complete? Only when he is done with me. I have a long ways to go. I am a work in progress but only God will change me. Listen to God on when things need to change not your self or others. God knows you. He created you! He loves you!

Hippie Friend!

So this is my new nickname given to me by my bestest girlfriend I like it and in fact I have been making many positive changes getting back to the days when things were simple!!My friends and family can tell you two things about me. I am simple and I don't like change! Change is hard for me. Like really hard! I had my first panic attack my 11th grade year because I was doing so much and applying for college and taking all the test. I was a hot mess! 12th grade wasn't much better! I look back and have no idea how I survived. I just kept busy. It has always been my cure all. The busier I am the less time I have to think about things. FULL FORCE AHEAD! It was a great plan and then I had kids! Sure your going 90 miles an hour all day long but its different because with kids your going for them. Your running their race so to say! Well, lately as I reflect on having all the kids in school this coming year, I've had to dig deep to find who I am and what I want. In the process of all this we had a pretty drastic move. Going from a 1,300 sq ft home to less than 700 sq ft! With this I have had to discover new ways to plan and organize. I've even had to learn to cook again. Why? Well our stove didn't make it. In many ways I find this rather disturbing but it has actually led to more fresh fruits, grilled meats, and rotisserie meals. Fresh cucumbers and carrots have become a favorite snack. It has led to using my microwave more which I dislike greatly and I miss baking! Okay, I'm getting off track. Back to being a Hippie Friend! Over the years, I have went through many little adventures on living greener. This move has reinforced this even more. We now recycle more and living in town give us more options for eating healthy. I love Publix! I just have to say that! Soon I'll be swarming our farmers markets and local farms! I am excited. I'm just waiting for things to level off. Anyone that has moved knows that no matter how much you save on rent the first few months are going to cost more when you add in start up fees! I think we are finally getting past that part but knowing me I am always looking at ways to save a buck and make things healthier. Usually its in phases though which is what I am working on. I started a Bible study by Lysa Terkserst called Unglued. Going through a bible is a great way for me to get close to God but also look deep inside myself( something that I don't do often). The biggest deal about this though is that it is a home bible study that I joined. Only knowing 1 or 2 other people going this is a big step out of my comfort zone. It made me realize that I have lived in a bubble for way to long and that in fact I simply don't know how to socialize anymore! How sad is that. 32 years old and I sat by the one lady I knew and said very few words and the words I did say came from a very hard beating chest that I am sure I sounded like a nervous school girl on a first date. In fact I can't tell you what I said because my head was so clouded with fear! Look at me again I am getting off track. If you made it this far your probably wondering why my best friend called me a Hippie. Well she knows me so well and she heard all the talk and read the post about my clothe diapering, she questioned my sanity when I told her that I made my own laundry detergent and I don't know what she thought was going on when I told her I was using vinegar to clean my house. After all this what made her think I had really fallen off my rocker and gone off the deep end? I told her I stopped washing my hair. Yes, you read that right! I am on day 10 without using any kind of actual shampoo or conditioner. Why, you ask? Well here I was fed up with my hair, standing in shower looking at my arsenal of different shampoos and conditioners and I asked myself why? Why do I spend all this money and hate the way my hair is. Now, I do love my hair itself but I hate that it never does anything. It won't curl, hold a wave, or even straiten with a gloss. My hair is STRAIGHT, FLAT, and very long! I started growing it out last year for Locks of Love. It's finally gotten long enough that I feel I can cut it without going bald. I was thinking of ways to make it healthier before I make the cut and was contemplating a hot oil treatment or something when I can across No poo and Low poo washing methods. I was intrigued! n a given week, I go 3 or 4 days in-between washes so on day 4 I decided to just rinse and do some more research. Then I found many blogs saying that I needed to strip my hair. I choose the cheapest and on hand method. Baking soda paste. I hopped in the shower on day 5 and stripped my hair. I'll be honest with you. I did not like it! My hair felt like sandpaper. I was questioning ever doing and thinking how in the world I was going to get these tangles out! I brought with me the most common method of no poo conditioner. Apple Cider vinegar mixed with water. So here I am in the shower with sandpaper hair tangled in a ball rinsing all the baking soda out. MORE TANGLES, Oh God help me, what have I done??!?? Well here goes. The vinegar goes in and is rinsed out and I literally FELT the tangles just rinse away. What? Are you kidding me? Did that seriously just work? For years I have spent mucho moolah on pricey name brand deep treatment conditioner and I just rinsed the biggest rats nest out with Apple Cider vinegar?!? YES, I did! I really did! That was 4 days ago and my hair is just now getting greasy and I could probably put it up in a ball and be good. I may decide to wash with baking soda tonight but I may not. I'm going to try and wait until tomorrow so I can "wash" Friday before I go and get the chop! I have seen pictures of ladies with beautiful hair after going No poo for months. One lady even showed a picture of her granny from the 30s and how there was not shampoo then and that in fact all they used, if lucky was Castile soap. Good point. I never thought about that! So welcome to my newest adventure. Please tell me if my hair stinks. Though I have been assured through many blogs that this should not happen! Seriously though, I trust you! Please bare with the oily,dry mess for a few months. Noone will notice the pony or bun since its usually my choice hairdo. I'll try to post pictures soon of my various stages.

Why Red dye?!?

Every time I post on Facebook about something being Dye Free or asking why something has red dye, I always get Why? Well we all have a why! Why did/do you breastfeed? Why did/do you immunize or choose not to? Why do you eat natural or organic? Why do you diet/exercise? We all have our reasons. The main reason being: We want to do what we think is best for our family! Each one of us has our own reasons to why we think our way is best. . . Since I have so many people ask why, here goes! Ever since Peyton was born she would break out. At a very young age we battled eczema, diaper rashes, and a runny nose that wouldn't quite. She was a VERY happy baby. She ate most what we ate but once she turned a year old and we started letting her have more "kid friendly food" we noticed the rashes getting worse, the diaper rash that would BLEED. We went to doctors and they all said allergies, We went to a dermologist who said the contact dermatitis( eczema). We took away dryer sheets, we went to dye free chemical free laundry soap. She was on Clairton, zyrtec, and Benadryl and nothing worked. We went to an immunologist and the allergy test came back normal. During this time she started having uncontraolable tantrums, biting, hitting, screaming. Of course no one saw this and always said "Not our sweet Peyton". By the time she hit 3 it got worse. We had had our fill. Something had to give. We were desperate. We had already taken away milk and eggs and was about to take away gluten when I started reading about Red dye. Well it seemed easy enough... No more suckers and candy. We slowly started to take away this and that. We slowly started seeing changes. I became an ingredient list reading freak. We'd have a great few days and then BAM Tantrum crazy! I knew it had to be something! As I started reading more labels. I saw more things that had red dye in them and it hit me! We have all tried very hard to cut out dyes completely. It started by just limited red foods, then we learned we had to watch pink, purple, orange. Basic Kindergarten color wheel principle here but we didn't think. To say we went in blind was an understatement. Its been about 6 months now and we atr learning more. Her rashes have all but gone away. We have the occasional irritation but nothing like before. She is happy again and so lovable. Now does she tantrums? What child doesn't BUT they are manageable and by that I mean before she would get so upset that she would be upset that she was upset and literally seemed as if she had NO control over herself. Now she does and that is a miracle in itself. I am sooo happy that I made this decision for my family. Now what have I learned! Don't be blind. READ!!!! Many foods you would never think have red dye DO... Beef bullion cubes, Jello pudding, ALL Doritos, even Cool Ranch, Ice cream. some cheese puffs, M&M's yes even the brown ones! I will come back and add my favorite dye free foods!

A broken heart Prayer

God - I'm mad! You know that! I'm hurt, you know that too. My entire life I felt like every man placed in my life left me. MY dad and both grandpas didn't want anything to do with me as a child. I had three great uncles that took their place and did a really awesome job. I was 10 when one of my grandfathers passed away. I sat by his bed while he was sick and he never acted like he cared, but I was there, eager for his approval. Of course Dad was noowhere around while his father passed. Well atleast noone let us know if he was. Then one of those awesome uncles died when I was a teenager. It seems like that was around the time that I emotionally lost the other two. I guess I was "grown" and they must have felt like I didn't need them anymore. Maybe they didn't agree with who I was becoming. Maybe life just got in the way and we grew apart.I had an awesome "adoptive" Daddy but he was taken too. Atleast I had graduated school before he passed. Not long after I reunited with my father. It was a rocky road to say the least. He was sick and acted like he still didn't want anything to do with me He tried apoligizing but it was only words. A couple years later we tried it again. This time we finally made it work. I got married, had kids, and built a great friendship during those 7 years. We started getting close. We talked weekly, sometimes daily and visited as often as work schedules would allow. He got better and got sicker. We often spent more time visiting the hospital than we did at home with him. In fact, the pictures I have of him and Brooke when she was born are taken in the hospital. He wanted to be there when she was born but couldn't. He thought Eli was the most handsome little man when he saw him. I was pregnant with Peyton when he passed away. I wish he could have met her. If I beleived in reincarnation, I'd think that he came back as her. Everyone asked who she looks like because she doesn't really look like me or Tommy. She looks like Dad. She has this way she will wrinkle up her nose and eye brow that is so Lionel. I miss hearing him and Uncle Myrln tell their stories. Now a few years later PawPaw Ted is gone... Ted was like a dad to me after Tommy and I got together. He was always there. Yes we had our problems but he's move mountains to help us if he could and he loved our kids like noone else. I don't think there was a day that he/we didn't talk or see each other in the past 4 years. He was at every birth( except lil miss Peyton who was born in the wee wee early morning hours). He was at every birthday party, every school function. He did everything with the kids and they loved him for him for it! I loved the relationship they had because I never had that relationship with my grandfathers.His death was so sudden that it took as all by shock. It was such an eye opener of just how precious life is. He spoke with his daughter, wife, and various drs office just minutes before he passed. I just recently started seeing my grandpa again. I remember being a child and running up to the school janitor and hugging him. IT slipped one day that he was my grandfather and I was so eager for that bond that I tried everything to gain his attention... Noone else understood and I was okay with that. Once he quit the school and I graduated, we'd see each other around twon, go visit him, and slowly got somewhere. It wasn't until his 4th battle with cancer and my mom moved in with him that we started getting a lil closer. I'd go see Mom and we'd all sit around and talk, watch the kids play and just enjoy each others company. I knew he was sick, I knew he was loosing this battle so I tried to embrace those moments and forgive all the years that were lost. He enjoyed seeing the kids and I knew he needed that. Never would I imagine that we would loose these two so close together. A month and half is such a short time to deal with this. I was strong for the kids after PawPaw passed then I went and saw grandpa last weekend. I knew the minute that I saw him that that would be the last time I saw him. I saw defeat in his eyes. When I kissed his hand and he grabbed ahold I could see he didn't want to let go. He knew too. I came home, without the children knowing, and I had my meltdown. That was it, That was my family. The men in my family where gone... I have my brothers. Yes, I have uncles but I fear our relationships are not fixable. I would love nothing more to be able to 5 years old, pulling ponds, or hanging out on the racetrack but thats not how life works. I feel like people are put in my life for such short periods of time and then they are gone. Life has been nothing but change in the past 8 years. Some great, some not so great. I just feel like I am ready to be stable. I'm ready to commit to life! I know Life involves death. I have more family and friends in heaven than I do here in Earth. God, I need some people here. I know I've made my mistakes. I know I have mends to make but with death come emotions and I know in my heart that I can't take many deaths( physically or emotionall) without a support system. I submitted myself to you and I knew it would take commitment, I knew friends would be lost but can you please guild me where you want me so that we won't be doing this alone? It took me such a long time to trust you as My Heavenly Father. It took these men in my life to teach me to have a relationship with any man but its also because of these relationships that I had such a hard time trusting you as my Father. I KNOW you'll never leave me,so I know it's different but thats because I am an adult now. I am doing everything I can to trust and rely on You and believe that each of these men had their purpose my life and I had a purpose in their life. I'm really not mad anymore but I am very confused. I know you are not a God of confusion and I trust that you will clear my head. My head is so full of emotions now that I can't even pray without being interuppted so you get a Blog prayer. I also feel that I will read this back one day and will understand. Who knows maybe the kids will read it and realize its okay to be completly honest with you. Thank you for all that you do do for us. Thank you for Life. Thank you for our salvation. Thank you for your promises. Thank you for your word. Lord, I love you. I praise you and I accept all you have for me... Rain or Shine. Butterflies or locust. In Jesus Name Amen

A mother's love...A childs Grace!

Motherhood had tought me so very much. Most recently, I am learning to love and live through the eyes of my children.... To children love has no color, gender orienation, or age. Children love without knowing. They love their parents, their friends, their grandparents, the stranger on the street that needs a hug. Children love like Jesus wants us to love. What if everyone could love like a child loves? Children trust without being told too. They trust those that are closest to them without question, and sometimes try to trust others but thats where parents come in. What if everyone could trust like a child trust? Children forgive! Ever watch kids get mad at one another? They get their feelings hurt, cry, scream, yell, do whatever it is that they do but less than 5 or 10 minutes later they are best friends again. What if everyone could forgive like a child forgives? You know what I think? I think God gives us what we need to learn to do all these things through the lives of our children. Watch close and listen! Protect the children that can teach us about who we need to be.

Thankful Heart!

Thank you Lord. Thank you for carrying me through this battle, for believing in me and seeing the person you created me to be and showing me that same person! Thank you for lifting me up when I simply couldn't. Thank you for allowing this storm so I can grow, that you for protecting me through this storm but not covering me so much that I could not see it! Thank you for the friends and family you have placed in my life and for covering me in love! Even while I spent 2 days in bed alone, I was not alone. You were there even though I wouldn't go to you. I cannot imagine the deapths of depression that would have emerged had you not been with me. Thank you for providing me the reality and the understandings of the struggles that I have fought for so long! No this is not the way *I* wanted to get help but I trust it is the plan you had instore when you created me! I AM dealing and I understand this will be a progress. Thank you! I know that WE can see the end of this and inspire others that they can too!